Ugh

I really don't want to write this and I don't want to sound like a whiner. But, I feel like I just need to write and hope I can get some of this shit out of me. That is one of the reasons to have this blog I guess. Good and bad!

Lately, I have fallen completely off everything with my health, how I feel and think. Barely on my medications. The other day I spent like two hours at the 24 hour fitness place near my house. I was excited about everything I learned, till of course the topic of cost came up. Being unemployed and all that I should have known better then stopping by there. Course you always hear and see ads for specials and for some really fucked up reason I still thought it was a good idea to check it out. $1500 later, I was 32 steps further back and running home kicking myself for being so stupid. Not to mention depressed over how totally shit balls I am.

This lead to a week long slide backwards. All I have been able to do is think and think about how useless I am. $1500 is not that much really in todays society. People drop that all the time on things, and still to me just like when i was a kid it seems like a monumental amount of money. Yet this is my health we are talking about here. Damn I am so mad at myself. Not just because of this but how low I have sunk. If I am so damn smart and talented then why can I not make things happen. Why does the concept of success elude me?

I so hate this post because I know I would hate reading it. But shit balls, I have to get it out of me!